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How to Create Desire in a Boring Bedroom Routine

How to Create Desire in a Boring Bedroom Routine

I’ve talked to thousands of women about their sex lives. My career for fifteen years was selling sexual enhancement products. What I can say for certain is that stereotypes of horny men begging women for sex is not the story your wives are telling Women were always coming to me asking how to spice up your marriage sexually.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I thought I’d mark this special occasion with some friendly sex advice to get you our of your sexual rut. This guide should be helpful whether it’s been a long time since you and your partner got it on or your sexual encounters are always the same boring routine.

Years and years in a committed relationship don’t just lead to better sex magically. Either you or your partner have to take the initiative to make sexy time a priority, and in an ideal world it would be both of you putting in a little effort. 

This article won’t be suggesting acrobatic sex positions or telling you to go see a certified sex therapist. I like to think of this as a real life guide based on what your wives say they want when you’re not around.

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communication is always the easiest way to improve a sexual relationship

Routine Sex Life of Married Couples

You may find that after tying the knot, your sexual relationship with your partner can become predictable. Married sex life often settles into a comfortable routine, which is both a good thing and a frustrating thing at the same time. It’s common for long-term relationships to experience phases where sexual desire plateaus.

The important thing to remembers is that the comfortable routine sex is simply an unconscious behavior based on her feeling secure in your relationship. Subconsciously she used to sprinkle in more creativity as a way to “impress” you. Again, this is all totally un-intentional. Now that you’re married that playful way she used to kiss you has disappeared. But, it’s not too late to bring it back.

To keep a healthy sex life, it’s important to bring up the monotony is a non-accusatory way. Your routine may involve specific days of the week or particular positions, leading to a feeling of repetition. Address this as a problem you can solve together as a first step to spice up your marriage sexually.

An established sexual routine, while comfortable, can limit the exploration of new desires and preferences. Maintaining an open dialogue with your partner about your sex life encourages growth and re-ignition of passion. Together, you can introduce novel experiences within your intimate moments.

Understanding Your Partner

Effectively spicing up your marriage sexually begins with a deep understanding of your partner’s needs and desires. Communication is the cornerstone of this process. Start by openly discussing your sexual preferences and interests with each other—this establishes trust and clarity.

To uncover your partner’s sexual needs, ask direct but compassionate questions. Listen attentively to their responses, and acknowledge their feelings without judgment. You’ll find that this kind of dialogue not only enhances sexual harmony but strengthens your good relationship as a whole.

Becoming a better lover is intricately linked to knowing how to make your partner feel valued and desired. Embrace honest exchanges about fantasies or changes you’d both like to explore. This shared vulnerability paves the way for a more exciting and fulfilling sexual journey together.

The goal is to enhance your connection and enjoy the process as you learn how to spice up your marriage sexually. Keep discussions light-hearted and maintain a friendly tone – this will encourage ongoing openness and lead to a richer, more dynamic sexual bond.

married women initiate sex too

Reigniting the Flame

Sometimes, the spark in your marriage dims, but fear not—reigniting the flame is within your reach. Here’s how to spice up your marriage sexually and bring back the excitement. Trying new things can significantly enhance your intimacy.

Explore New Experiences

Stimulate sexual tension by getting adventurous, suggest a fun activity that’s new for both of you. The easiest way to get out of a sex rut is to slow things down. Instead of touching your partner in the same way you always do, grab her hand and guide it to do something different. You are both responsible for ending the boring routine. If you usually lick a certain area try sucking instead. 

Trying a new position is a simple way to get both of your minds focused on the moment instead of allowing it to take a break since it knows what’s next. And honestly a new sex position isn’t as wild as you might be imagining. All it takes for the position to be “different” is to lift her leg, twist her hips to a different angle, or grab something you don’t normally grab.

Sensual Scheduling

Make time for intimacy by setting a ‘sex date.’ This might feel structured, but it ensures you prioritize each other and great sex amidst busy lives. Treat these moments as priorities, building anticipation and excitement.

Changing the time of your sexual encounters has a much more significant effect than you might think. Despite what you may think, your romp sessions don’t always have to happen under the cover of darkness. Sprinkle in some morning sex or meet on your lunch break to have a quickie. Be intentional with the variety of times.

One challenge that’s so much fun is the 24 hour-challenge. You and your partner should come up with a timeline from one month to one year and dedicate yourselves to having sex during every hour of the day. This will force you to be creative since ‘work hours’ sex will likely need to happen on the weekend and middle of the night sex will require middle of the night alarms, waking up super early or staying up super late. The best thing about this challenge is the camaraderie it will build as you work towards something, however silly, together.

get off your phone in bed

Creative Communication

Have an open dialogue with your partner about your desires. Discussing what you both find exciting can lead to discovering different ways to be intimate. Being vulnerable and expressive strengthens your bond and paves the way for passionate experiences.

Most couples have a little bit of hesitation sharing fantasies with their partner because of the fear of judgement. At the end of the day both of you need to recognize that a list of fantasies is not always about acting on them. The fantasy itself can bring a whole new experience to your encounters.

Awkward Conversations You Need to Have

Discussing sexual health is crucial. It’s imperative to have recent test results and to openly share your sexual history. This conversation ensures safety and trust in your relationship.

Heading into the discussion of sexual boundaries can feel uncomfortable, yet it’s necessary for respecting each other’s limits. Talk about what you’re willing to try and what’s off-limits. Honesty nurtures a deeper connection and how to spice up your marriage sexually.

Approach your comfort zone with openness. It’s possible one or both of you have sexual trauma that needs to be taken into consideration. In a loving committed relationship you should be able to have candid conversations that allow your partner to not be in the dark about serious reasons for walls in your sexual relationship. Recognizing each other’s comfort levels contributes to mutual satisfaction and adventurous experiences.

Having difficult discussions takes courage but it’s a sign of a mature relationship. Use “I” statements to express feelings rather than placing blame. These talks can lead to breakthroughs in your intimate life.

Emphasize honest communication. It’s the bedrock for exploring new territories together. Clear, open dialogue strengthens your bond and opens the door for creative exploration.

always be mindful of your partners feelings

Intentionally Try New Things

When considering how to spice up your marriage sexually, exploring together can be both exciting and a step toward greater intimacy. Begin this journey by sharing your sexual fantasies. Openly discussing what intrigues you both sets the foundation for a thrilling exploration.

Watch a Sexy Movie: Take your shared experiences to the next level by watching an erotic movie together. Getting turned on and acting out scenes from a movie is a good idea to break out of your routine.

Incorporating New Toys: Trying different sex toys is a fun way to explore pleasure together. One thing men often don’t realize is that all the residual happy feelings from multiple orgasms go directly to you. Men get all the credit when that sex toy pleasures a woman in your presence.

>> Shop Together for Sex Toys <<

Role Play: The classic fun foreplay idea is pretending to be strangers in a hotel bar, but there are plenty of other ways to engage in role play. Dress up in costume, act out the first time you met, or pretend one of you is someone else.

Wear Sexy Lingerie: The push back I always heard about lingerie is that it was pointless because it so quickly ends up on the floor. But, the truth is, lingerie isn’t about the man at all. Wearing lingerie makes a woman feel sexier and enhances her whole experience.

Talk Dirty: Engaging in dirty talk allows both of you to be more engaged in the moment. You can find sexy ways of giving each other positive feedback during the sexual encounter. The vulnerability of talking dirty is a great thing for enhancing intimacy between both of you.

spice up your sexual relationship at any age

Keeping the Spark Alive

Enhancing your intimate connection can reignite that lost spark and deepen your bond. To spice up your marriage sexually, try the following strategies that blend emotional intimacy with physical closeness.

Experiment Together

Create your own sexual to-do list that encourages variety. Buy some popsicle sticks and write one sexual desire on each stick. You can include tame ideas like a sensual massage to different positions to anything you and your partner agree is in bounds.

Increase Intimacy

Build a strong emotional connection by spending quality time together. Share your inner thoughts and feelings to create a more profound sense of intimacy. This mutual understanding can translate into a dynamic and exciting sexual relationship.

Establish “Us” Time

Prioritize your romantic relationship by scheduling a regular date night. Whether it’s a romantic dinner every couple of weeks or curfew-free evenings, dedicating time to be with each other is a great way to sustain attraction and affection.

Physical Affection

Increase your daily expressions of love through longer hugs, kisses, or any form of physical touch. Simple gestures like holding hands or cuddling can also stoke the fires of sexual desire.

you can spice up your marriage with these tips

Overcoming Challenges Together

When facing sexual challenges in your marriage, it’s essential to approach them as a unit. Your sexual connection is a dynamic component of your relationship and it’s natural for there to be ebbs and flows.

Create a safe space to talk about any concerns like erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Open communication can often lead to understanding and a path toward improvement.

Almost always the high desire partner feels negative feelings because a perceived lack of sexual feelings from their life partner. What I have seen over my decade and a half talking about pleasure is that is almost never the case. Usually women have some mental block preventing them from being truly free to be open sexually.

I can’t tell you how many times women would tell me they had never received oral sex because they felt self conscious about their own smell or taste and that had lead to years of never getting eaten out. That’s a joint problem. If the man has avoided her clitoris for years she naturally feels awkward about bringing it up at this point.

connect with your partner sexually by talking

Practical Tips and Ideas

Tease a Sexy Surprise

One of the best ways to enhance boring sex is to build anticipation. Leaving a sexy note or sending a series of suggestive text messages throughout a day can build excitement in new ways. When you spend a lot of time thinking about an intimate experience before it happens the creativity increases.

Playful Ways to Engage

Incorporate playful elements into your intimacy. I’ve always said the simplest and cheapest way to build sexual tension is with a blindfold. Taking away a person’s sight is an effective way to increase their tactile pleasure. Every noise, movement, and touch sends shivers down your spine when you’re wearing a blindfold.

Make it Last Longer

The average sexual encounter in monogamous heterosexual relationships is eleven minutes. Four minutes of foreplay and seven minutes of intercourse before rolling over and scrolling on your phone. Now you don’t have to go full on tantric sex and make it last hours, but you’ll both notice the change if you extend either the foreplay or intercourse or both. 

Change Locations

Boring sex couples are always doing it in their bed. One way to spice up your marriage sexually is to change the scenery. Don’t go getting arrested for indecent exposure by doing it on the high school football field or something public. Think about taking a weekend away at a hotel room up in the mountains or even just get busy on the kitchen counter.

Flavor Enhancements

A common sexual experience is to incorporate food into sexy time. I struggle with the food thing because sugar is a no go near vaginas and some foods can cause skin reactions, and all of a sudden your good time turns into a disaster. Instead, try a flavored lube, nipple cream, or lotion. Products intended to be put on your body and licked off are sure to be pH balanced and safe. 

Shop Sexy Flavored Products

always try to break the sexual routine

Spice Up Romantic Relationships

Enhancing the sexual dynamics of your marriage isn’t just about novelty, it’s a pathway to long-term satisfaction and a deeply fulfilling sex life. Mutual respect and communication are the bedrocks for a better sexual connection. By exploring new experiences together and keeping an open mind, you maintain not only excitement but also the emotional intimacy necessary for sexual contentment.

When you aim to understand and meet each other’s desires—stepping into each other’s fantasies—you create a space where good sex becomes great. If you’re asking yourselves how to spice up your marriage sexually, know that small, consistent changes lead to profound impact. Focus on the journey of exploration with your partner, and you’ll find the destination is more gratifying than you imagined.

Embrace this adventure, and watch as the passion you unlock elevates your relationship to new heights of joy and closeness. Your efforts to keep the spark alive will not only reinvigorate your physical connection but also strengthen your bond overall.

trust in a sexual relationship is vital

Discretion and Privacy in Your Sexual Life

Maintaining discretion in your sexual life is essential to building intimacy and trust between you and your partner. Privacy concerns are not about secrecy but about creating a safe space for both of you to explore and express yourselves freely. Think of your bedroom as a private sanctuary where external judgments are not allowed to penetrate.

When considering discreet sexual activity, always communicate with your partner to establish mutual comfort levels. Be considerate of each other’s boundaries and feelings. A simple discussion about when and where you both feel comfortable engaging in sexual activities can go a long way in maintaining a sexy relationship.

Respecting boundaries is a cornerstone of any love life, especially in how to spice up your marriage sexually. Your partner’s comfort and consent should always be a priority. Emphasize the importance of discretion and privacy, and watch as it plays a vital role in keeping your sexual connection exciting and fulfilling.

FAQ: How to Spice Up Your Marriage Sexually


  • Veronica Hanson

    Veronica Hanson blogs from whatever country she happens to be in at the time, currently she's hanging out in Japan. She's been living as a nomad remote entrepreneur with her family since 2020.

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