Most long term committed relationships fall into predictable patterns of behavior. Routines and obligations stop partners from making time to connect. After reading this blog you’ll commit to date your husband again.
Parents, this is not a bottom shelf priority just because you had kids. Your partner is your primary relationship in life which does not mean you get to ignore them for 18+ years and automatically end up happy once the kids move out.
Love can be unconditional but desire, affection, agreeability, and selflessness are not unconditional.
Quality Time With Your Partner
Don’t put off a date with your husband because you lack the extra funds to spring for a night on the town. Spending quality time with your partner can be simple, free, and enjoyable.
Eat dinner at home and afterward take a walk around the neighborhood. Giving each other space to speak about hopes, dreams, and goals is a needed supplement to always talking about logistics. A huge part of your lives gets taken over by what’s for dinner or who’s picking up a kid or when you need to be at an event. If all you ever talk about is logistics you’ll both lose your deep connection.
If you aren’t already doing a monthly intentional check-in, it’s time you make a new habit. Undoubtedly there are lingering thoughts you keep meaning to discuss but it seems like there is never time. Your intentional monthly check-in is the time to bring those things up.
Learn Your Partners Love Language
Anyone in a committed relationship or in reality anyone who interacts with people on a regular basis would benefit from learning Gary Chapman’s love languages theory. In essence, he describes how people receive love and how they show love are two different and unrelated things.
Take a wife that bends over backwards to cook, clean, and do her husbands laundry yet he always seems frustrated by her. She is exhibiting her love through what Gary calls, Acts of Service. Instead, that husband might feel more loved through Words of Affirmation, which the wife never gives because there is always tension. On the flip side, the wife is always hearing from her husband how much he adores her and how beautiful she is. The wife doesn’t internalize any of those Words of Affirmation because her love language is actually Physical Touch and none of that has happened lately. This is a classic example of mis-matched love languages that can be easily solved by understanding how to show love in a way your parter understands.
If frequent miscommunication seems to keep a wedge in your relationship then grab your copy of The Five Love Languages. Date your husband again with a nightly reading session to deepen your connection.
Keeping Your Relationship Spicy
Mis-matched libidos is one of the leading causes of relationship frustration.
Blaming your partner is not the answer. Ignoring your own sexual desire schedule is not the answer either. So what’s a lady to do?
Desire grows from intimacy and it’s important to realize that intimacy takes time. Giving or getting a massage isn’t just great advice because your nerve endings are being stimulated causing desire. Massage is a tool because it builds intimacy. But you know what else builds intimacy?
- Taking a shower together
- Doing the dishes together
- Going for a walk
- Impromptu dancing in the kitchen
- Impromptu karaoke session after dinner
The list goes on, but in time you can create intimacy which leads to desire. Be intentional. Date your husband again to bring back the intimacy in your relationship.
Logistics of Making Time for Date Night
Something about first world culture perpetuates the myth that parents can’t ask for help. Everyone has heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” but it feels like admitting failure if you ask your village for assistance.
If you are not lucky enough to have friends or family who are close by, ready, and willing to watch your child while you take a night away, all is not lost. Aside from hiring a baby-sitter which costs money you might not have, there is yet another option.
Join forces with your child’s closest friend’s parents. Your child’s closest friend might have siblings in which case you offer to watch all of the kids in that family to give those parents a break. Arrange for those parents to do the same, taking all your kids a week or two later.
You can repeat this free baby-sitting maneuver for any best friends your children have. It’s not un-cool to make friends with your children’s friends parents. Those parents are your closest allies and knowing them gives you the inside scoop to your kids behavior when you’re not around.
Date Your Husband Again
If you’re still finding excuses not to be alone with your partner, consider what the problem actually is. You have the tools, time, and incentive to build the intimacy back up in your relationship.
Staying in a constant state of burnout and disconnection within your primary relationship is not healthy. Date your husband again and get on the same page with your life hopes, dreams, and goals.